Baby Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married couple..so it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him...so I let my guard down...and well...kids...it only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

 

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

 

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

 

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming from...it was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and all...at the time...it REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

 

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

 

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"

 

ok

thanks dad

 

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

 

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

 

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

 

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

 

By that morning..my cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

 

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

 

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was....it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this day...seven years later...is her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children are...how fragile they are...how much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

 

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still cry..it still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

 

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Woohoo!!

I am 26 today!

Why I met my husband...

The past few Wednesdays at church we have been having prayer meetings...
We go to church...sing...then we take prayer requests....
we turn the lights down...turn some relaxing worship music on...
and find a place to pray

Just you...and God...
talking....listening

I have thoroughly enjoyed these prayer meetings...and I feel like I have gotten alot out of them.
I honestly never thought I would..so I am a little suprised.

To share with you a little of my past...
When I was a little girl...my mom and dad never TOOK me to church...it was MY decision to go. I went to the First Baptist church...

it was the biggest in our little town of 200 people
all my friends went there
they had a summer camp that was awesome
they went on field trips..
and had fun..

but what do you expect when a 10 year old picks out a church..

I wasn't exactly looking for doctrine at that age...

So all my life I have been taught about the Trinity and God not caring what you wear just go to church...how women are to be silent in church......

OK...fast forward a few decades...

When I met my husband..I wasn't going to church..I was to busy being **21**  (woohoo!)

So when we decided to get serious...and started the talk about having a family..I told him I want my children to be raised in church...I wasn't and made that decision myself..and I know that God tells you that if you raise a child up in the name of the Lord..when they get older they will not depart from it. And the way this world is...we need Jesus!

The Baptist church where we live now is SO HUGE..that I actually got lost trying to go to the worship center. It is like a college with different buildings...it felt like I was a stranger...I didn't like it.
My husband's family goes to a United Penecostal Church.
What?
Wow!
I didn't know if I could handle that...or turn from my ways and solely accept thiers.

But my first time there...I felt so welcomed...so loved....it was so inviting...
and my first service there I felt the Lord...and realized that it didn't matter what building you were in ...Jesus was everwhere....
So I knew that God knew how confused I was...but I was trying.

and to this day (yes we are back to the present) I am still trying...
There are a few things...that have changed my thinking...

like the Trinity...
I no longer believe in that...
I believe that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is all one thing.

Like I am me, and Lyla is me, and my soul is me
All Me!

I believe that you need to be baptized "in Jesus name for the remission of your sins"
Acts 2:38 tells you plain as day

............and throughout these prayer meetings.....
I have come to realize that the reason I met my husband is so that I would find that church...because there is no way that i would be living in the town i am...going to that church if I hadn't met him.

And my husband and I will talk all the time about how many places we have been in the past...together...but never noticed each other. So crazy!

So it makes me really feel that I have met the ONE that I am supposed to be with on this journey of life.

Our last prayer meeting on Wednesday ...I was praying and just stopped to listen ....I didn't know what I was listening for...or if I would fall asleep...but I started thinking...and thoughts just kept popping in my mind...
like...
if I was walking down my sidewalk...and someone noticed me...would they know as soon as they seen me..that I believe in God.
as hard as that is to answer ...No
Why?
because if you think about it....
if you see a woman in a skirt...with long hair...no make up....
what do you think?
She is Pentecostal. And we all know...that Penecostals "get with it"
They worship...like no other religion I have seen in my life!

When you see a Pentecostal woman ...you know that she believes in God...and that she is a praying woman....
if you have a need...get her to pray with you...

There have been many people just walk up to my mother in law and ask her where she goes to church because they are looking for somewhere to go...just because of what she wears...

and I know this is going to be hard for me...and I really don't wanna do it....I have had all these feeling before...I wrote not to long ago about this same situation here but I am feeling God tug at me....when I wear jeans and a Tshirt....I look like everyone else in this world....I don't want to be OF THIS WORLD...I want this world to know that I plan on seeing Jesus one day!

I want people to know that I am a Godly person....

And if you know me..you know that by all means I am NOT a dressy person...
at all!

So this is going to be hard..and I am going to have to lean on God....alot!

But I feel like if I stepped out in faith and did what God is asking of me..that he will do amazing things through me!
and that is worth it all!

hmm...
just my thought before i go to bed...

you know what?

I am sitting here surfing around on the internet....
thinking about sliding over to my craft table and doing something crafty...

and I need to be doing laundry or cleaning house...

and I just don't care!!

A star bigger than our Sun?

So have you heard this?

R136a1 is the newest star that British scientists found up in spac.
They say it is 250 times the size of the sun. If it were in our solar system it would outshine our current sun to the degree our sun currently outshines the moon. In other words, it would be a million times stronger.


Wow...
That is crazy..

I have always loved astronomy...and when I was a little kid I wanted to be an astronomer when I grew up...so i have always been the one to think...
Hmm.
our sun is a  star.....
and stars fall all the time....
what makes our sun ..not fall?

scary thought?

and what makes our planets ...revolve that that particular star we call the sun...why does THAT star have a gravatational area that keeps our planets circling it?
What if one of our planets wanted to skip out and circle another star?

Cool huh?

But now they have found a star bigger than our sun....
and in the grand scheme of things ....is our sun really that big....or do we just think it is that big because we are so close to it?

I love this stuff....

The English scientists say the star discovery is significant because it causes them to refine and expand their current theories about stars, their size, and their life cycles. In other words, things aren't always as they seem, they don't always get it right the first time. So everything we have studied about stars up to this point..may be all wrong!

.....and then I heard something else about UFO's over China...but those don't interest me as much as a Gigantic Star!!

A few more wedding pictures...

It was such a beautiful wedding!

and i am up past my bedtime!

The next to last family wedding..

My sister in law got married June 19th...she is the youngest besides my brother...so we only have one more family wedding to go...that is IF my brother ever gets married....and he is only 14..so we have a ways!
But here are a few pictures that my Pastor's wife took of my baby who was the flower girl!
Then I spruced them up on Picnik a little..

any of you professional picture takers....if you have any tips....please don't hesitate to let me know!!!

But doesn't she look stinkin' cute??

Summertime is time for Birthdays!

I never realized how many birthdays there are in the summer!
Wow!
We have been to two in two days!
Wow!

But we have had a great time doing it! Lyla got to swim and play...I have had fun enjoying time with my friends!

I wish we had more time to hang out ..and just be girls!

But I had to post the presents I got them...they are so supercute!

For the first birthday...our friend was turning six! the big 6!!! Going into the First Grade!
So I made her homemade playdoh in a jar! Supercute!

don't you love it?

For the next party, which was today, I got her a funky Photo Album. She is turning Five and going into Kindergarten so i thought it would be awesome for all those Kindergarten memories..for her and for mom! I didn't make this...although I would love to try! A woman that lives near me made it and sold it to me! So here is her photo album..

isn't it just as cute!!?

I have to say...I think I am a pretty good gift giver! and if I'm not...don't tell me..it will hurt my feelings!

****Here is the good part!***
We get home...Lyla and I extend our evening out in our driveway with a parachute man that we got in the party favor and a popsicle. I had pink..she had blue ( and most of my pink)!

It started to get dark so we decided to come inside and take a shower...I jump on Facebook really quickly to tell the woman that made the super awesomely photo album that I loved it! and then off to start the water.

In between the quick message and turning on the shower ...I check on my lovely little daughter.

She is fine! Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. What a good little angel!

Starting the shower...got us some towels...found some PJ's...called for Lyla.....no answer....

called again......no answer......uh oh?

took off down the hall to look for Lyla....and found her ..........

sitting in the middle of my dining room floor ............

covered in SPF 100 sunscreen ................

and fingerpainting with it on the floor.

*take a big freakin deep breath Nikki*

OK...at least we haven't had our shower yet...

I did just buy new floor cleaner....and a new mop head

She wasn't in good clothes...still in her swimsuit...

nothing was in her eyes or mouth.....

.............and I just kept thinking of positive things until I guided her to the shower...then couldn't help but laugh....then cry....then laugh.....

and stole a kiss!

I am so exhausted!

Have a great night!

I'm a Sugar Doll!!

First of all I want to apologize that it has taken me so long to get this award out on my blog.

This past week has been a funny week...there was a few nights where i didn't feel good...my daughter completely wears me out..blah blah blah ..you have heard it all...

but right now everyone is sleeping...so i am blogging!

woohoo!

So I want to send a HUGE thanks out to Stacie over Pull Ups and Pedicures for blessing me with this wonderful bloggy award! I never thought I would get a bloggy award since I just started out...to my suprise..lo and behold now I have two sitting on my shelf!

**I will dust them everyday!**

ok ...maybe not everyday...but at least once a week...

So here is the ...AWARD....are you ready?

isn't it stinkin' cute?

And along with this award come rules also....

and the rules are...

1. Thank and link to the person who gave you the award.       check!

2. Share 10 things about yourself.  check!
3. Pass the Award along to 10 bloggers who you think are somethin’ special!   check!
4. Contact the bloggers that you picked to let them know about the Award.  check!

 
 
10 things about me:
1. i would rather vacuum my whole house than sweep it
2. i want to learn how to shoot a gun...
3. my husband is buying me a bow ...for like bow compeitions..he says i can be good!
4. i absolutely loathe putting on a bathing suit
5. i love winter time....
6. eating healthy...is very hard for me
7. i hardly ever drink water
8. i put my clothes back in the dryer to knock out the wrinkles
9. i CAN"T wait until my daughter is potty trained so i don't have to change anymore diapers!
10. i love hanging out with my little brother!
 

** now for the blogs i want to give this award**

this is intense!!!

 

1. Keeping it Simple

2. It's Not All Flowers and Sausages

3. Not Quite Susie Homemaker

4. Loving Life's Little Moments

5. Adventures in Mommyhood

6. CLEAN MAMA

7. Zakka Life

8. 1 Single Minute

9. 365 Less Things

10. Design Mom

 

Alright there we go...

Thanks again to Stacie for the wonderful honor of the award and I hope everyone on my list feels just as honored!

 

Have a great day!

 

My Birthday Wish List...

My birthday is coming up!!
On July 24th!

I will be.....25......no 26....OMG!! Wow...where did 25 go? Oh yea...taking care of a one year old...

moving on..

Everytime someone asks me what i want for my birthday I get stage fright and say "Uh Oh I don't Know"

Then I end up getting stuff I don't want...and I can't gripe..because I said i didn't know what i wanted...

Well this year...that is not happening to me...

I am making a list...

1. A Sewing Machine.
This one will work...I don't need anything big....I am not an experience sew-er ..so just something simple and easy is good for me.

2. A cute funky chair for my scrappy room.

3. A Scentsy Candle.

4. Scrappy organization stuff.

5. Two nice Airdonack chairs.

Now that i have a nice looking list...i will know exactly how to answer that dreaded question of "Well...what do you want for your birthday?"

P.S. Dad called..he's already got me a camera. He is so good as surprises! :)

Friday Fill Ins

ok ok...so they are a day late..
i tried to plan ahead and schedule this to post on Friday..but something i messed something up and it never posted...so here it is..

1. This is what life does. It lets you get really high up on your mountain..then drops you like a ton of bricks..and says HA! Expect the unexpected (...Big Brother...).




2. Does my husband appreciate the moment?



3. Upon reflection i have learned that i have changed also since i got married to my husband..and he is not perfect..and that marriage is an ongoing thing you have to work on...two people are not meant to live together and get along perfectly everyday...but i thank God that he still loves me no matter what!.



4. I haven't sat down for more than 10 minutes by myself and done something crafty for quite a long time.



5. Later, you wake up and realize that when you were a child and all the adults told you to listen to them because they have gone through what you were going through...that i should have listened...because they had the advice i needed.



6.I love my daughter and my husband to the far and boundless sea.



7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to see my aunt, tomorrow my plans include hanging with hubby at the house and Sunday, I want to worship God like no other!

Rejuvinated!

is that spelled right?
I don't know..

The past few days I haven't been feeling up to my normal sprite self....so I was just trying to relax as much as I could with a two year old running around...

Today i feel a little better....so here i am!!

I am just gonna catch up on a few things....

First of all today..my kids at school cracked me up..
We have a plastic play kitchen that the girls cook at all the time...well on the side there is a little table that will fold up but the part that is supposed to hold it up is missing...so i have been looking and trying different things to try to get that darn thing to stay up so the girls can use it...and today...
I look over and they had the table propped up on the "microwave door" of the kitchen..they just opened the door really wide and sat the table on it...
how cute! and how sad that a 2 year old can fix the problem before i can!

Second of all..here is my Wordless Wednesday post...

ok..so not so wordless..this is Lyla immeadiately when we get home from school..she piles up in Daddy's chair and watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse..while I clean up the kitchen and start supper.

**P.S. - and just for all you mommas who are completely against TV and children..we only watch one (maybe two on a bad day) episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...

Which I am proud of...and most of the time she doesn't even watch a full episode..she would rather be outside playing or in her room playing with her toys...I like that isn't that interested in TV.

Third...I actually got a minute (and a new camera) to take pictures of the calendar I made last Christmas that I plan on making this Christmas for a few of our family members...
Here it is...Enjoy!

whew.i know that is alot of pictures...but i hope you enjoy them...

i have to go check on my child..she got quiet!

see ya soon!

Working Mom Wednesday..Secrets of Motherhood

Over at Work, Wife, Mom...Life! she is doing a thing called Working Mom Wednesdays...
I have never done this before but was skimming through some blogs this morning and found it...

it looks pretty neat...I am a working mom...and it is wednesday...so what the heck!

This weeks topic is 10 things you wish someone would have let you know about motherhood....

What a great topic!!

1. That you lose all dignity and embarrassment when your legs are wide open on a table and everyone has thier nose six inches from "your spot" trying to see something inside you...

2. That your body will NEVER go back to what it used to be...unless you have money to clip here and tuck there...and to get it even close ..you have to work your BUTT off!!!

3. that from now on you will always feel like you are forgetting something

4. I wish someone had warned me that I would completely let myself go....and not even realize it...

5. All the wonderful things i used to do ...like scrapping....is now toys to my baby

6. One thing someone did tell me..was to keep a journal...keep up with a baby book..it is precious memeories

7. no matter how long you wait to have a baby ..your marriage changes...you will have long talks...crying nights...mood swings...wanna quit...but dont! It gets better!

8. no one expects you to have a clean house with a child...of any age

9. you worry more about your child's relationships with family than your own..so there will be a lot more family stress

10. and the most important thing...you can be puked on, pooped on, snotted on...and whatever else...and you will worry more about your baby than changing clothes..

Post It Note Tuesday