The Marriage

September 29, 2007

Me and your Daddy on our wedding day

Dear Lyla,

My idea of the perfect wedding was something that when someone walks in they can tell whose wedding it is. It would be a reflection of you! Mine was. It was totally me. That is what everyone said about it. It was great! Marrying your Daddy was the best day ever. He looked so handsome. He was nervous and cute. It was traditional and timeless. After the wedding would be a wonderful reception with family and friends. We would eat, talk, dance. When your daddy and I left..everyone threw birdseed...the truck was all decorated. We came home to rest a minute in OUR apartment then went on our honeymoon. We didn't want to go far away...we didn't want to stay gone for three weeks. We just wanted to be together with no time limits or responsibilities and just enjoy each other being husband and wife. I think we called each other Mr and Mrs Brewer all night long! We went to the nicest hotel in the city and stayed for three days. In my imagination the ending to the perfect wedding was starting a family on your honeymoon. I mean, to me..that is why you get married..to be able to start your own family. Your dad and I both wish for you. A little girl. We didnt know when God would give you to us or how. But we knew that we were ready ...whenever the time came ...to love you unconditionally and give you the best life possible.

Celebrating Lyla's Second Year of Life!!

This past Sunday we celebrated Lyla's 2nd Birthday!

I , like every other mother, can not believe that my baby is two years old! It seems like yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital, waiting for her belly button to fall off, excited to try out the first baby foods. Now we are singing songs, and ABC's, potty training, talking in full sentences.

Where did the time go?

Did I treasure it all?

Did I record everything I wanted to?

I have to say in two years..she is a beautiful, mature, and smart cuppy cake!

There has been hair pulling times and times where I laugh so hard my jaws hurt. Being a mom is the best thing I have done in my life. I know now why I looked forward to it all those years as a child...it is like nothing else.

It is extremely hard but greatly satisfying.

Nothing compares.

I have to admit ...it is sometimes hard on your marriage..it is stressful and you take things out on each other. It is times like these though that you gather the family together, enjoy each other's company and when the chaos is all over Gregg and I  pull together and say, "Look what we have done!" and we bask in the pride and joy that we have raised and nurtured for two years.

Baby Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married couple..so it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him...so I let my guard down...and well...kids...it only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

 

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

 

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

 

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming from...it was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and all...at the time...it REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

 

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

 

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"

 

ok

thanks dad

 

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

 

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

 

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

 

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

 

By that morning..my cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

 

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

 

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was....it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this day...seven years later...is her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children are...how fragile they are...how much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

 

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still cry..it still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

 

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

Great song over at New Nostalgia

New Nostalgia: "Start Somewhere-By Toby Mac
Last night, everything was movin' so fast
I could barely keep track
Oh, of my offenses or your defenses
In hindsight, I woulda, coulda, shoulda not gone there
But left without a word to spare
Was it your offenses or my defensiveness?

That's got me thinkin' that we're never gonna get it right
I wanna straighten this before the sun goes down tonight
If I could only fight the bitterness I feel inside
This thing is eatin' me alive

Well I'm right here
And you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere
Cause I'm messed up
And you're broken
And those shots we fired are still smokin'

I'm tossin' and turnin' on the things I'd undo
As I wrestle with the painful truth
Oh, my sleep escapes me as guilt berates me
Exhausted, the memories are drawing so near
I can see it like a world premiere
When did my objective lose all objectiveness?

If I need you, and you need me
How can you turn your back and just leave me?
When I'm right here, and you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere

I said some things that I regret
And if I could, I'd take em back
If I could turn my words around
You wouldn't hear a sound

But here I am, and there you are
The space between us is not so far
I'm reaching out my hand in love
Before the fading sun, forgive me for what I've done"

This reminds me so much of me and Gregg right now. We have both said hurtful things and are trying to get over things that we both didnt mean to say to each other. I love this song!!! And I needed to read that. There have been many nights that Gregg and I have stayed up until dawn talking and trying to figure out why we are in the situation we are in. It always comes down to God testing us or Satan trying to test us but either way we have commited to not go to sleep until we settle whatever we are talking about.

Be angry, yet do not sin: do not let the sun go down upon your wrath.
Ephesians 4:26

Thanks Amy...I needed this!