Domestic Violence ... Never Again

I was blog hopping around...and came across this one ....i have never seen it before...but what a wonderful poem it had on there...i urge you to go read it.

October is not only the month of Breast Cancer Awareness..which is really close to my heart because my grandma was taken from me at the age of 52 because of breast cancer...and you really don't know how YOUNG that is until you grow up...so there is another post coming with breast cancer information...but October is also the month of Domestic Violence.

I know a few girls that have been a victim of Domestic Violence..and I know that it is hard to go through. I am a believer that love is blind. When you really love someone..you can't see reality..you can't see what is wrong and right. You just feel like you are always wrong...and somehow if you would quit making your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend mad..then they would quit being mean to you..
but i am here to tell you..that it is not your fault!

If your relationship is abusive...physically, mentally, emotionally...you can get out..and it will get better.

The one thing that I think gets overlooked is that Domestic Violence isn't always against women. In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. An estimated 400,000 women per year are abused or treated violently in the United States by their spouse or intimate partner. This means that roughly 300,000 to 400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend.




For more information see http://www.dvmen.org/

So in all cases...domestic violence should stop...

and stepping out of the normal shell for a minute...if you read your Bible ..you have obviously read the things that our God can do. He created this world...he can destroy it. He has before with a flood....we all need to get our act together...or I hate to say it..but when our God comes back..it ain't gonna be pretty. Our God is a God of love...but he is also a God of judgement....some I think forget that.

Put yourself in his shoes for just a moment..you create this wonderful masterpiece of Earth...you create the people..and everything in it...you give them LIFE...and now some of the very people you breathed life into turn thier backs on you...hating each other...hitting each other.....disgracing your Name....

I would be utterly ticked off!

and I pray that I am good and gone ...rejoicing and singing HOLY HOLY when his wrath takes place.


Now i want to take a minute and have everyone think about the little things they are thankful for...not the big things..those count too....like your job, family, house....but the little things...like my magazine subscription...dr pepper...etc.

can you get to 1000?
1000 things you are thankful for....
I have actually tried this before..but never finished it..and I think with this being an awareness month ...it would be a good time to try again..and even if you don't finish..it is nice to look back at all the little things that really matter that you might not otherwise notice.

1. dr pepper
2. magazine subscriptions
3. chairs with padding
4. quick supper ideas
5. preschools that you trust
6. hand sanitizer
7. ponytail holders
8. a good pair of comfy PJ pants!
9. the automatic shut off on my flat iron
10. the warm setting on my stove




 

The Story of Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married couple..so it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him...so I let my guard down...and well...kids...it only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming from...it was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and all...at the time...it REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"

ok

thanks dad

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

By that morning..my cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was....it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this day...seven years later...is her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children are...how fragile they are...how much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still cry..it still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

We had to pray for MiMi

It is hard to beat a picture of a child's praying hands. They are so innocent and faithful. They believe unlike no other. They know no doubt or "what if?"

If I have taught my kids nothing else...I have taught them that prayer works!

and that is amazing!

I had one little girl come in today and tell me that her MiMi was in the hospital and she was sick. Her dad continued to tell me that she was and it was a rare thing..and MiMi was on life support.

I , naturally, said, "oh no..we will keep her in our prayers"

and I meant it.

So today before everything we did...we prayed for MiMi!
I know ...as an adult...that God's will should be done..but as a friend..you just hurt the family.

So we prayed and prayed for MiMi today..and I hope that our prayers of love went straight from our school to whatever hospital she is in and that she felt the love that was lifted up by 10 two year old praying for thier best friends MiMi.

God please touch MiMi and let her feel your presence and love...comfort her and her family...give them peace and strength to handle the situation they are in knowing that everything lies in your hands ..and whatever may come is the perfect solution , at the perfect time, and something even more perfect will become of it. They are going to need a friend, a healer, a Father, a comforter, a redeemer, a prince of peace..and God I praise you and thank you that I have all those qualities to depend on in your name!

It is days like this...that make me love my job...and could not imagine doing anything else with my life.

Why my husband?

Why I met my husband...

The past few Wednesdays at church we have been having prayer meetings...

We go to church...sing...then we take prayer requests....

we turn the lights down...turn some relaxing worship music on...

and find a place to pray

Just you...and God...

talking....listening

I have thoroughly enjoyed these prayer meetings...and I feel like I have gotten alot out of them.

I honestly never thought I would..so I am a little suprised.

To share with you a little of my past...

When I was a little girl...my mom and dad never TOOK me to church...it was MY decision to go. I went to the First Baptist church...

it was the biggest in our little town of 200 people

all my friends went there

they had a summer camp that was awesome

they went on field trips..

and had fun..

but what do you expect when a 10 year old picks out a church..

I wasn't exactly looking for doctrine at that age...

So all my life I have been taught about the Trinity and God not caring what you wear just go to church...how women are to be silent in church......

OK...fast forward a few decades...

When I met my husband..I wasn't going to church..I was to busy being **21** (woohoo!)

So when we decided to get serious...and started the talk about having a family..I told him I want my children to be raised in church...I wasn't and made that decision myself..and I know that God tells you that if you raise a child up in the name of the Lord..when they get older they will not depart from it. And the way this world is...we need Jesus!

The Baptist church where we live now is SO HUGE..that I actually got lost trying to go to the worship center. It is like a college with different buildings...it felt like I was a stranger...I didn't like it.

My husband's family goes to a United Penecostal Church.

What?

Wow!

I didn't know if I could handle that...or turn from my ways and solely accept thiers.

But my first time there...I felt so welcomed...so loved....it was so inviting...

and my first service there I felt the Lord...and realized that it didn't matter what building you were in ...Jesus was everwhere....

So I knew that God knew how confused I was...but I was trying.

and to this day (yes we are back to the present) I am still trying...

There are a few things...that have changed my thinking...

like the Trinity...

I no longer believe in that...

I believe that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is all one thing.

Like I am me, and Lyla is me, and my soul is me

All Me!

I believe that you need to be baptized "in Jesus name for the remission of your sins"

Acts 2:38 tells you plain as day

............and throughout these prayer meetings.....

I have come to realize that the reason I met my husband is so that I would find that church...because there is no way that i would be living in the town i am...going to that church if I hadn't met him.

And my husband and I will talk all the time about how many places we have been in the past...together...but never noticed each other. So crazy!

So it makes me really feel that I have met the ONE that I am supposed to be with on this journey of life.

Our last prayer meeting on Wednesday ...I was praying and just stopped to listen ....I didn't know what I was listening for...or if I would fall asleep...but I started thinking...and thoughts just kept popping in my mind...

like...

if I was walking down my sidewalk...and someone noticed me...would they know as soon as they seen me..that I believe in God.

as hard as that is to answer ...No

Why?

because if you think about it....

if you see a woman in a skirt...with long hair...no make up....

what do you think?

She is Pentecostal. And we all know...that Penecostals "get with it"

They worship...like no other religion I have seen in my life!

When you see a Pentecostal woman ...you know that she believes in God...and that she is a praying woman....

if you have a need...get her to pray with you...

There have been many people just walk up to my mother in law and ask her where she goes to church because they are looking for somewhere to go...just because of what she wears...

and I know this is going to be hard for me...and I really don't wanna do it....I have had all these feeling before...I wrote not to long ago about this same situation here but I am feeling God tug at me....when I wear jeans and a Tshirt....I look like everyone else in this world....I don't want to be OF THIS WORLD...I want this world to know that I plan on seeing Jesus one day!

I want people to know that I am a Godly person....

And if you know me..you know that by all means I am NOT a dressy person...

at all!

So this is going to be hard..and I am going to have to lean on God....alot!

But I feel like if I stepped out in faith and did what God is asking of me..that he will do amazing things through me!

and that is worth it all!

hmm...

just my thought before i go to bed

Baby Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married couple..so it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him...so I let my guard down...and well...kids...it only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

 

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

 

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

 

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming from...it was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and all...at the time...it REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

 

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

 

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"

 

ok

thanks dad

 

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

 

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

 

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

 

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

 

By that morning..my cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

 

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

 

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was....it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this day...seven years later...is her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children are...how fragile they are...how much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

 

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still cry..it still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

 

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

Tonight I had our Home Friendship Group over at my house. Home Friendship Group is just a group of people from our church that takes turns meeting at each other's houses for good food and a bible study. It is more of a relaxed environment ..where we can talk and eat and learn something about God without there being the pressure of what to wear to church or hoping the preacher don't call you out as a visitor and make everyone clap for you. I know that is how I felt when I first starting going to church. I just wanted to slip in...and see if I liked it. I didn't want to be adopted and then feel like I have a burden to fulfill..I just wanted to get my feet wet.

So anyway.........

Tonight I did an icebreaker...something to get everyone talking....about being in a plane crash and picking from a list of what you would take to try to survive. It was fun..I never knew Crisco shortening could be so useful!!! But I will now start to carry a little can of Crisco in my purse in case I am ever caught in the event of a plane crash.

Moving on.........

The topic for tonight was a "Friendly Invite" It pretty much just talked about how a friendly invite to church could possibly get that person into church..on fire for God..and that one person you invite could become a preacher or a missionary and save millions of people's lives. You never know what a person's purpose is in life according to God when you invite them to church.

This is one area...I know that I have been lacking in. Tonight I actually invited my friend I used to work with to Friendship Group..but seems like something else always comes up and she can't make it. I wonder if something would happen if she ever gave God a chance to really get ahold of her. She is such a committed person ...that once she grabs a hold of something ..she doesn't let go until she has gotten everything she wants from it. Could you imagine someone like that getting ahold of the Holy Spirit of God and taking off!!???? I would just love to be a spectator of something like that! So since she didn't come this week..I will invite her again next week. But I need to think of more people to invite. So....Lord....lay some people on my heart!

After the bible study we all just sat and talked a little bit about how we got into church...and where we would be if we hadn't found church...and what made us go to our particular church. Some of the stories were pretty amazing...and some were actually a suprise to me....for example ...my mother in law told us that when they were stationed here because my father in law was in the Army..they were fixing to get divorced...papers ready and everything....then they decided to find a church...and my father in law drove right up to our church and said this one is it. And they have been there ever since. But..my father in law isnt completely in church....

and by completely ..I mean ....I know he believes in God..and God heals...but he doesn't fully put himself out there for God to grab a hold of...on the other hand..my mother in law..is all in.

One thing...amongst many more...that I can say about my mother in law is that she is a Godly woman...no matter what is said or what happens...she remians steadfast in her faith! That is an inspiration to me. I know that whatever question I may have or problem that comes up....She is there to answer it or pray with me for an answer!! And that is a tremendous characteristic!!!

I had a good time tonight in Friendship Group and I thank God for everyone that comes and allowing us to have that great fellowship!

Have a blessed day..and watch out for all these storms....we are getting one right now that is calling for egg sized hail!

Great song over at New Nostalgia

New Nostalgia: "Start Somewhere-By Toby Mac
Last night, everything was movin' so fast
I could barely keep track
Oh, of my offenses or your defenses
In hindsight, I woulda, coulda, shoulda not gone there
But left without a word to spare
Was it your offenses or my defensiveness?

That's got me thinkin' that we're never gonna get it right
I wanna straighten this before the sun goes down tonight
If I could only fight the bitterness I feel inside
This thing is eatin' me alive

Well I'm right here
And you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere
Cause I'm messed up
And you're broken
And those shots we fired are still smokin'

I'm tossin' and turnin' on the things I'd undo
As I wrestle with the painful truth
Oh, my sleep escapes me as guilt berates me
Exhausted, the memories are drawing so near
I can see it like a world premiere
When did my objective lose all objectiveness?

If I need you, and you need me
How can you turn your back and just leave me?
When I'm right here, and you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere

I said some things that I regret
And if I could, I'd take em back
If I could turn my words around
You wouldn't hear a sound

But here I am, and there you are
The space between us is not so far
I'm reaching out my hand in love
Before the fading sun, forgive me for what I've done"

This reminds me so much of me and Gregg right now. We have both said hurtful things and are trying to get over things that we both didnt mean to say to each other. I love this song!!! And I needed to read that. There have been many nights that Gregg and I have stayed up until dawn talking and trying to figure out why we are in the situation we are in. It always comes down to God testing us or Satan trying to test us but either way we have commited to not go to sleep until we settle whatever we are talking about.

Be angry, yet do not sin: do not let the sun go down upon your wrath.
Ephesians 4:26

Thanks Amy...I needed this!

I need to encourage my husband.

So I have been reading and studying on what a wife's duties are and what I should be doing.

Gregg and I have been having some communication problems...with added stress...calls for a no good situation and here lately we have not been happy.
And I know that all of this is not all Gregg's fault because I have seen with my own eyes that when I am having a bad day and I take it out of him...it breaks him. It breaks his spirit..his confindence..and he ends up having a bad day ..which again..does not = a good marriage.

So from here on out I am making a conscious decision to encourage my husband...to edify him...to lift him up and thank him and appreciate him for being him!!!
I do love him..with all my heart! He is a great man and a wonderful father. He would do anything he could for his family. He takes care of us and provides for us...and even works over time to so that we can plan big family trips! He is what I have dreamed of...and I need to remember that.
Sometimes when day to day stuff occurs and minor details get in the way ...I forget to step back and realize that I am living my dream...I have a great husband and a great daughter...two dogs...our own house...a fenced yard...what more could I want...(well a new car would be nice) but anyway....I have a LOT to be thankful for and I don't want to take any of this for granted...

The Results are In....

The doctor just called and told me that the results to Lyla's heart murmur were minor and that we have no reason to worry!!
Praise God!! What a miracle!!

My God can move mountains!! He is a mighty healer!

Technology Break....

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you didn't have the internet?
I have been.
I think if I didn't have Facebook to get on and check on everyone, look at pictures, and play games I would have more time to clean my house and get things organized.
I think if I didn't have CafeMom to get on and check all my groups and discuss topics that I would have more time to plan and cook better meals for my family.
I think if I didn't have so many emails to check I would have more time to play with my daughter.

And to me..all those latter things are a little more important than the internet. So I am thinking about turning it all off for a while. I think if I left it on our bill that I would still get on the internet. It seems like it sucks me in. I don't know how it does it...but once it gets to that point that means that it is becoming addicting and that is not good.
I do not want to idolize anything before my God and I think if I didn't have this computer to run to maybe I will run to my Bible more...which is what I need to be focused on instead of Hotel City at the moment.

We just had a scare with the Dr telling us that Lyla has a heart turbulance in one of her heart valves...and here lately Gregg and I have NOT been getting along..at all...not even for a moment. So instead of wasting time and energy on stuff that will not help my marriage or allow me more time to spend time with my family ..I need to put the internet aside and focus on what makes my life important...my marriage and my daughter!

God has been pulling and pushing me and I have been very confused with what I am supposed to do ..where I'm supposed to be...and what I need to be teaching Lyla. See...When I was little I chose to go to a Baptist church..
Honestly the reason I went there was because I was 11 and all my friends did...plus I lived in a town of 200 people so Baptist was pretty much your only option. But now that I have met my husband I have met a new church family. They are United Penecostal...major difference than Baptist. Some things I can see where they are coming from...others I don't...and instead of playing Facebook games ..I need to be digging into the Bible and seeing what I think the Lord is saying about those things that I am confused about.
I need to be still............and listen............to God.
and with the internet all ready and waiting for me to have fun..it is hard to just be STILL.

So I think I need to get rid of that temptation altogether and see what God teaches me through this.
I'm going to talk to my husband about it...because it seems like you can't do anything now a days without the internet.
I connect with family members over Facebook.....what happened to calling and seeing how you were doing? I look up phone numbers on yellowpages.com...what happened to using a good ol' phone book? It is crazy to me as I sit here and think of how dependant I am on the internet.

Well those of you that read this...pray for me...and pray that I get what I need from this journey and when I feel like I can handle myself, my family, and my house....and want the internet as a treat every once in a while...I will sure get on and post something to let you all know how it is going.